Q. My ex just changed the email address that he uses to communicate with me to include a derogatory reference to me. It’s obvious what he’s doing, but I’m having a difficult time staying calm. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. First and foremost, it’s important to acknowledge that any attempt to disrespect you, especially in a shared co-parenting environment, is entirely unacceptable. Co-parenting by definition requires mutual respect and cooperation, which is hard to maintain when one party undermines the other through such petty behavior. That said, the best course of action in situations like these isn’t to retaliate, but rather to rise above the negativity and continue to focus on the children’s best interests.

Here are several key principles that may help you to stay focused when dealing with delicate situations like this:

First, stay focused on what’s important.

The primary objective in co-parenting is the well-being of your children. (Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 1.) Your ex’s petty behavior may understandably hurt and frustrate you, but it’s critical to keep in mind that your emotional response is something you can control. Don’t allow his actions to divert your energy away from what matters most -- being a loving stable role model for your children. Do your best to avoid being caught up in his attempts to provoke you. Stay cool.

Second, set boundaries.

It is important to set clear, respectful boundaries around communication. If the change in the email address feels intentionally disrespectful, it’s OK to acknowledge it in a calm, non-confrontational manner. You might want to respond briefly, stating that you noticed the change in the email address and are uncomfortable with the implication it carries. Explain that you prefer to keep communications focused on co-parenting the kids. For example, you could write: "I’ve noticed the new email address, and while I understand the desire for personal expression, I’d prefer to keep our communication focused on the needs of our children. Let’s stay focused on what’s important—Josh and Abby.”

Third, don’t get caught up in the tit-for-tat.

Good ex-etiquette for Parents Rules No. 5 and 6 are "Don't be spiteful" and "Don't hold grudges." While it's tempting to retaliate with snarky remarks of your own, this only feeds into a toxic cycle. In situations where your ex is using tactics to provoke or disrespect you, it's best to disengage. Responding with anything less than a businesslike manner only makes the situation more hostile and confusing for your children.

Fourth, get help from a professional.

If the situation doesn’t improve and it begins to affect your ability to co-parent effectively, you may want to consider engaging a neutral third party, like a mediator or therapist, to help facilitate better communication. A professional can help both re-establish a respectful dialogue. Sometimes, a little outside perspective can be the catalyst positive change. (Good Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 2: Ask for help if you need it.)

Finally, good ex-etiquette demands that you continue to model behavior you wish to see in your co-parenting relationship and be sure your response reflects the respect and maturity you want your children to witness. Stay calm, stay firm and keep focused on your children. That’s good ex-etiquette.

©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC