Q. Halloween falls on my ex’s night this year, and I’m really disappointed. Our kids are 6 and 9, and I’ve always taken them trick-or-treating. I asked if I could come along, but my ex said no because it’s her parenting time. I think we should both be able to participate in special occasions regardless of whose night it is. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Special occasions after a breakup can easily become a competition. Who gets Christmas morning? Who plans the birthday party? Who gets to go trick-or-treating? Before long, parents are so focused on getting their fair share that they forget to ask the most important question: What will make this easiest and most enjoyable for the kids?

In a perfect world, you could both walk around the neighborhood together, admire the costumes, laugh when the kids come home with enough candy to last until Easter, and call it a night.

But that requires two parents who can comfortably spend time together.

If walking around together means tension, snide remarks, arguing or children watching their parents carefully to make sure everyone is OK, don't do it. Kids should be thinking about how much candy they collect, not whether mom and dad are getting along.

On the other hand, “It’s my parenting time” doesn’t have to end every discussion.

Good co-parenting requires some flexibility. Perhaps one parent takes the kids to the school Halloween carnival and the other takes them trick-or-treating. Maybe Dad stops by before they leave to see the costumes and take pictures. Or, if everyone truly gets along, both parents might go trick-or-treating together.

There are lots of possibilities if the goal is making a memory rather than claiming a holiday.

And be careful about asking the kids what they want.

“Do you want dad to come trick-or-treating with us?”

“Would you rather go with mom?”

Those questions may sound considerate, but they put children in the position of choosing between their parents. Work it out between yourselves and present the plan to the kids.

There’s another Halloween trap I see after a breakup: trying to outdo the other parent.

One house has a costume, so the other buys a better costume. One parent takes the kids trick-or-treating, so the other plans an elaborate Halloween party. Before you know it, what should have been fun has become another opportunity to keep score.

Beware of competing.

Your children don't need two spectacular Halloweens. They need parents who aren't fighting over one.

Let your children enjoy the holiday without making them feel guilty that you weren't there. Ask about the costume. Laugh at the pictures. Let them tell you how much fun they had. Their having a wonderful time with their other parent takes nothing away from their relationship with you.

Sometimes putting your children first means being part of the celebration. Sometimes it means giving them permission to enjoy it without you.

That's good ex-etiquette.

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